Welcome to the plus side of life

It's a new year and I should probably be a little cordial but no, I'm not having none of the hogwash these fitness pages have been doling out in recent times as a way to sell their market. If you follow certain fitness pages like I do on Instagram, you may or may have not seen this rubbish hashtag #OroboNoDeyReign and I'd just like to talk , scratch that, I'd like to rant about it for a few minutes. It after all is my blog no?

This is a rant and yes you too can vent in the comments.  I'm honestly tired of my neighbours generators. Why can't they throw that piece of shit into the fucking dumpster where it belongs?  I haven't gone on leave in 2 years (because change in jobs) and I swear to gawd I. AM. SO. DAMN. TIRED! My celibacy has not been a walk in the park and I'm tired of people asking.... Why are you still celibate?" Sorry o, I didn't know I owed you a detailed report on my sexual life. I'm tired of power failures, fuel scarcity, high cost of living, zero value for life, high tolerance for corruption, heat wave, mosquitoes, and the list goes on..) I'm tired of stupid people who give their fucking unsolicited opinion when they see you workout.. Who asked you? I'm tired of people who think shouting will make any difference. comme des fuck down and let us have a civil conversation. I am frigging tired of shit for brains individuals that think t...

And so I made a list.. Just like the next girl A list of the qualities i required in a man He just had to have them. I mean c'mon! I tried to pray/decree my way into having the perfect man But God wasn't having any of that... I imagined him seated on his glorious throne saying 'You gotta put in some work baby girl" And put in work i had to do! Because this masterpiece in its unrefined stage that I am is waiting to be unravelled to the world in all of its maximum awesomeness. Chiseling myself into the person I aspire to be Investing quality time and energy into bringing out my best self You see, self love is one of the major keys to success. Self love will make you realise that before you get "Relationship goals", you should get some "Life goals" Life goals means you being stable financially, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. So, before you enter something brand new, pray to be the best version of YOU there is. ...

Do you guys know of "The Vagina song" by Weird Al Yankovic? I first heard it from my sick friend, Ukachi  during our pre-degree days.You can listen to it here  . That song comes to mind as i write this. Anyways, that's by the way. It isn't the crux of this blog post. So yesterday, the loonies i work with were talking about the poochie , its size, strength, depth and of course, smell! As usual, the guys gave several hilarious stories from how they've had to turn down a girl they'd been chasing for months, the moment she dropped her panties to the one who had so much space going on in her " Jerusalem"  they could conveniently pack a minivan there. Now imagine a meal prepared for you to eat, neatly served with the best porcelain. Some caviar shit! You uncover the dish and a stench worse than ammonia hits you! That motherfucker is on some asthma shit. Its about to take your breath away. Not today satan! That is exactly what it is when your outfit...

A while back,  i went to the mall and i walked past a Cartier shop. Being the inquisitive one, i entered and while i was i was there, i sighted this yummy bag. It called my name and as the polite girl i am, i responded We formed an immediate bond. it was love at first sight! Croc leather, perfect detailing, it spoke tons and tons of sophistication... Some Karl Largerfield shit. Google this Binsh! (Cartier crocodile handbag) It was the perfect arm candy to flaunt in your haters faces so they could hate on you some more. I called on the shop attendant to inquire how much it would cost me to take my new found love home She smiled and said the price is attached ma'am... I bent a little, looked at the price over 300k *gulps* Hollup! This bag eez cost! I will set up a lucrative business with this bag This arm candy is arm robbery.. sorry bag robbery... You should NEVER! EVER have to ride the bus with that bag! I began to devise an exit strategy? Do yo...

Just look at that life-giving plate of deliciousness! I was at a friend's birthday event last week and while i was minding my business as usual (not), my gaze landed and was fixed on a particular young couple. Probably in their late twenties or early thirties and newly weds. They were practically all over each other, a little side bar here, a little giggle there and i couldn't help but admire them. Small chops was served round and my favorite couple had a plate to themselves too. While i threw a ball of puff-puff into my mouth (hoping a hunk would be in the corner admiring the way i ate puff-puff too), i was watching them eat as well... (Just so we're clear, its not my practice to stare at people, there was just something about the girl's brows, so perfectly defined that made me want to ask for tutorials.. (Have you guys seen my new eyebrows by the way? Mo ti good gan! Sorry, i digress.. back to our story.. Yeah, the loved up couple.. Now they were left to the...

How long does it take to heal? Really... how long? My life had been on some non explainable pause/slow mo for a couple of years Series of inconsistencies with my health, walk with God and this excruciatingly long period of lethargy rubbed off on my finances, career, relationship with people and even decision makings I let things happen to me and i was 'OK' with it Life seemed like a blurry movie and i was unsure of what my role was I was approaching the tail end of my 20's and my youth didn't feel as great as the blogs/books said it would/ Should Day after day, it was the same thing; Work, eat, sleep, get on social media (A lot!), once a while, hang out with friends, read a little, exercise sometimes, and on the cycle went I was tired and i needed answers! I obviously wasn't put on God's beautiful earth just to pay bills and die. The books said, the twenties were the transformative years for the late bloomers but baby girl'...

VACANCY! VACANCY!! VACANCY!!! The owner of this fabulous blog requires the post of a snuggle Buddy in her  ognization.  Post Title:               Snuggle Buddy Location:                Maryland, Ikeja.  *Candidates residing on the Island can also apply* Post Description:    The Job among others will include Spooning, Cuddling (Duh!), hugging and the occasional kiss.. This however doesn't qualify us as a couple. Candidate must possess at least 5 years experience in cuddling with the ability to adapt to new styles and techniques. Candidate must be prepared to work extra hours and do shifts. (We are not here to play) The right candidate must possess at least a B.Sc, have a good command of the English language as he could be called on during sessions to join in a conversation and failure to be able to express himself properly and improper uses of tenses will result in immediate d...

Sometimes, you shouldn't have dialled that number; just scroll past that certain name Sometimes, you shouldn't have stored that contact Sometimes, you should have declined that lunch date that led to a long stare and sheepishly smile Sometimes, you shouldn't have bottled up your emotions Sometimes, you should have allowed your cab guy come pick you instead Sometimes, you should have stopped at drink number one Sometimes, you should have refused to see that movie Sometimes, you should have attended midweek service (like you were supposed to) Sometimes, you shouldn't have allowed the conversation get deep and lengthy Sometimes, you shouldn't have given access to your mumu button Sometimes, you should have rejected that gift Sometimes, you should let the holy spirit lead you rather than you intuition Sometimes, that long hug should never have happened Sometimes, those lips should never have touched Sometimes, you should have ended the day...

I turned 27 on Tuesday (13th October) and the love was overwhelming! I can't thank you guys enough. I've been truly blessed with the most awesome lot ever! Just when i was already losing faith in our generation, some of you restored my faith. The bank account was smiling and so was i! You guys finally got the gifts right this year!.. So please, ahead of next year's birthday, i will gladly receive land papers, Cars, Oil blocs, amongst others and for you that isn't a Diezanillonaire , do not despair, you shall not be left out. I will be receiving spa vouchers, Jewelry,perfumes, watches, tickets to abroading places, Shoes (Size 41) and whatever your imagination comes up with or if you're too stumped to decide, feel free to credit my account GTB 01736**** holla at me for the rest.

FYI, this is not a fictional story! Pardon the expletives in this post but I AM PARANOID AS FUCK! At what point does admiration become borderline stalking? First it was a particular dude who literally followed (and still follows) me about. I felt he was just a jobless fucktard and i didn't need to bother myself because, i mean... it is perfectly normal for a guy to admire a girl. Then another guy that i do not know from Adam traced me home and from a conversation he had with someone i know, he told that my friend my HOUSE ADDRESS! (note that this my said friend hasn't been to my house either so he obviously cannot know my house address) As if that wasn't enough. Yesterday morning, my colleague went to get coffee and a random dude walked up to her and told her stuff about me. In his sick twisted mind, i was upset with him(E gbami! i dunno this guy), how he has tried to get my attention on several occasions and ignored him, and so on. He went on to sh...

Listening to Korede Bello's Godwin as i write this is actually apt! Yes! God wins!!! I can testify to this. Its been an interesting couple of months for me and the only one who made still standing is Baba God! That been said, Thank God its Monday!!!! How have you been Fabulous people! I hope you had an awesome weekend? I know i did! ;) So, i thought i'd take time to appreciate a few things  on this terrific Monday like Phone chargers, lipgloss, etc Stuff that we sometimes take for granted but are essential. Okay, here it goes ! I'm Thankful for my Truecaller App. Imagine how annoying it is picking a call you think is important only to realise its a frigging Telemarketer! I'm thankful for washing machines. I would grow old doing laundry the Traditional way. I'm thankful for my super fast Wifi! I don't actually "Smile" (Pun intended) when paying for it but the great service keeps my sanity in check. I'm thankful for my Macbook Pro. I was in ...

Forgive Me Blogville, Its been  2 months Since my Last Post... Its Been really crazy these past Few Months. I've had to Take up much more Responsibilities other than my Job Description, put my French classes on Hold so i can Attend the awesome  +02ACADEMYLAGOS  on weekends  and Yeah try to be an Adult! (Kids, don't grow up! Its a Trap!!!) I miss the days of not having to worry about Money, getting professional qualifications etc... Just eat, Sleep, Watch Cartoons and Drink Ribena, eat Goody Goody etc! :( Now, you gotta think about Paying Bills, Practice the law of Economics every single day, Physical and mental pressures, Get a better Job, Get married, " baf-up", Wear waist trainer for 6-8 hours for Flat Tummy, Buy a car (By the Way, Donations are Welcome. Support my Car Ministry.) Shebi you people can gofundme a  Pastor to Buy Jet!!! Biko, sow into the Life of this Brethren..) Don't Worry,  the Person with the Highest Donations take a Selfie w...

Dear Blogville, its been too long! Blame it on my hot wild romance with my Billionaire Boyfriend who is Half British and Half Dominican with Blue eyes and curly hair......who loves to stay in bed all day with me eating frozen grapes and watching "Orange is the new Black".... and then fly out in his Heli to watch the sunset... But then,those would be Lies... and liars shall perish in hell... so why don't i just tell y'all The Honest truth. The Truth is I've been too busy, i sometimes forget i have a blog. So no, i haven't been frolicking with some rich, arrogant sod with curly hair. The struggle is real out there ladies and gentlemen, But we'll definitely survive. How's Y'all been? Shout out to the winches and wizards on my BBM tho. This special lot are super skilled in reading my Blog but NEVER commenting.  About four of 'em even had the effrontery to ask me on Valentines Night "Ahn Ahn Funmi, we've not read from you in a while? Kilo...

Happy New year fabulous Darlings! Yes, Yes, Its tad late but nonetheless, I gotta welcome you all into an exciting 2015. I'm super thrilled we all made it! I hope you guys had an amazing time during the Holidays? I wish you all a fulfilling year filled with nothing but Love, all your heart desires granted and be all kinds of Fantastic to you. I pray the Lord does all that you cannot do for yourself, meet your needs exceedingly , abundantly and above all that you can ever ask or imagine.

It was my birthday exactly a month ago and as much as i wanted to gist you guys about it, i haven't had the time to track the pictures down from my numerous "fotografas" to show you guys. You know how people take pictures of YOU on their phone and refuse to send it to YOU?! I mean c'mon who dey the picture??? Also, Coupled with the fact that i was ill, but i'm very much better now. I wanna say a Huge thank you to everyone for your calls,messages, prayers, credit alerts, and gifts. God bless you all abundantly and remember you for good! May we all have many more reasons to celebrate with one another. Ese Pupo! Daalu! Nagode! Obrigada! Danke schön! Merci Beacoup! Gracias!!!!

Imagine my surprise when i found out it actually had a name! Its called the Quarter Life Crisis!!! So, In the past year and half, I've been having (and still experiencing some) certain symptoms that i just couldn't explain. Sometimes,i would sit on the toilet seat and cry and then later muster the strength to say a short "Take control Lord" What was happening to me? I was having a confusion of Identity, Insecurity regarding the near future,I was getting bored with social interactions. Most of the time i had financially rooted stress, insecurity regarding present accomplishments, indecision paralyzed me, I lost concentration that it sometimes felt like i couldn't hold or contribute to a seemingly intelligent conversation, I was nostalgic for my high school and University days where i thought i had life all figured out. I felt like slapping my 17 year old self for making me think life was just perfect. I even went as far as googling myself hoping it would yield b...

Hello Fabulous Blog Family!! How have you all been? I took a quick hiatus but i'm back with a wonderful  peace offering i know you all will love. I was on Facebook one time doing the usual and then i bumped on thread, with people sharing and passing great comments. I couldn't help but click on the conversation. I had to see things for myself! It was an Article/Prayer/Letter and indeed interesting. I immediately "lifted' the article, kept in my documents but sad thing is, i can't seem to remember the page name because i'd want to give him or her credit for writing such a beautiful piece. But, if you know the author of this article, kindly drop their details as i would love to give credit to whom due. Alright then, here it goes:

Location: Anthony Town Planning Bus-stop Days: Monday-Friday Time:: Between 7:30am-8:00am The title confused you a bit? Not to worry darling! This is the usual call and response every workweek for a Lagosian like me who isn't mobile. Every bus ride to work is a different story and even though I sometimes don't enjoy the ride in these rickety, badly panel beaten buses, the crazy episode each bus ride are sometimes the highlight of my day! Trust me when I say this, Lagos is filled with all sorts of people and sometimes I've had cause to ride the bus with these people.. By the way, have you ever thought about how people seated next to you in public transport could be ritualists,kidnappers,rapists, awon maami, armed robbers etc??? Thank God for his protection ALWAYS!!!

*grabs duster, broom and mop* *coughs* o to jo meta! Hello Darlings! How have you all been? I'm truuuly sorry for the silence. The first part of my french and german exams are right around the corner and i need all the free time i can get; coupled with work! its been cray cray!!! So, Es tut mir leid, Je suis désolé (Don't gerrit twisted! That's I'm sorry in German and French).. u see, i'm teaching you people Language o! Anyways, My friends had been asking me why they hadn't read anything from me in a while and i quickly had to remedy the situation. This babe right here isn't a quitter! I'm sure you guys aren't either.... Okaaaay! So, my troublesome friend  +Olatunde Sofowora  tagged me in the #20factsaboutme challenge on instagram but for some fabulous reason, i wanted to put it up on the Blog. By the way, you can follow me on instagram @phunmillionaire  Alrity, here it goes.. *inserts NTA News Jingle*