YabaOyingbo??? Alagomeji wa!!!

Location: Anthony Town Planning Bus-stop

Days: Monday-Friday

Time:: Between 7:30am-8:00am

The title confused you a bit? Not to worry darling! This is the usual call and response every workweek for a Lagosian like me who isn't mobile. Every bus ride to work is a different story and even though I sometimes don't enjoy the ride in these rickety, badly panel beaten buses, the crazy episode each bus ride are sometimes the highlight of my day!

Trust me when I say this, Lagos is filled with all sorts of people and sometimes I've had cause to ride the bus with these people.. By the way, have you ever thought about how people seated next to you in public transport could be ritualists,kidnappers,rapists, awon maami, armed robbers etc??? Thank God for his protection ALWAYS!!!

At this point, I think I've literally encountered all there is to in the Danfo rides. Oh, wait, Ajebo who isn't accustomed to the bolekaja lifestyle or the non-Lagosians reading this, Let me explain a bit what a Danfo bus is.

Danfo: (n) This is a slang for commercial buses in Lagos. They are yellow buses with black stripes known for their reckless and crazy driving antics. The meal of the danfo driver is a balanced diet that consists of solid, liquid and gas. Once he's taken his solid meal like every other sane being, he proceeds to Liquid which may come in form of paraga, Alomo, Baby Oku, Monkey tail, jedi..etc then puts the cherry on top by smoking his brains out with gases known as igbo, marijuana, weed, claro,SK,etc.

Now, he's set for the day! 

His work partner known as the conductor is equally required to have this "balanced diet" as well and scare the ones who aren't street smart with his igbo laden voice. They hang off the door of these buses and no they are not always mad people! It is his Job to announce the destination and disgrace his family name during fights. 

Now this insane duo, expect sane men and women like you and me(well some of you are not so sane truth be told..lol) to hop into their bus

Okay, now that we've got that sorted, let me tell you about 15 of my experiences on the Danfo bus.

1. You know these people that step into the bus and their 'perfumes" fill the air in an oh so not friendly way? I mean, come the fuck on! The bus is congested already as it is and you're trying to suck the little air out with that ammonia you call a perfume? Did you take a bath with the entire bottle?  I silently pray for them to alight or I get a headache by the time I arrive at my destination. 
2. The girl who's constantly clacking while chewing gum. Shit gets on my nerves! Looking like a goat while chewing gum! mtcheeew...
3. The girl with the outrageous makeup that you could almost bet there's a face under all that makeup.
4. The guy who looks like a ritualist and is looking at you in the chest area like "ahhh this breast is big and ripe enough just like baba asked"
5. The pervert who constantly tries to graze your chest in the pretence of bringing out something from his pocket and then you give him the "shey o ya were look".
6. The amebo who tries to read your chats
7. The ones who chew nosily and talks while eating.
8. The Yoruba folks that talk loudly over the phone for the people in the third bus to comfortably hear.
9. Because the bus is headed to Oyingbo, it is sometimes filled with market women and God help you they have their wares in the bus and the seat available is in the back row. You'll end up having to smell like dried crayfish, Tomato Juice or Farm Produce.
10. Oh, Number 10 is so emotional for me! This one time, I was having an already bad morning.  I got to sit at the edge of the bench just behind the first seat beside the driver which was the only available seat. This uncouth lady decided she was supposed to be the devil's messenger that morning and spat out a huge amount of phlegm. Just as she spat it out, the wind was cruel enough to bring some of her spit to my Leg. At that moment, I began wondering who I had offended and wouldn't forgive me! 
11.  There's also the mother with 2 children, a toddler at the back who's constantly tugging at your shoulder with his oily puff-puff stained hands or trying to pull your hair and then her Luggage. The mother automatically expects you to use your church mind to carry one of the children for her because well, you're a woman!
12. There's also the bus driver (remember him?) who's trying to practice stunts with the passengers from the so many 1999 Van Damme movies he's watched!
13. There's also the blasphemous preacher who's trying to "sell" his ministry; condemning everyone in the world. I honestly dunno how preachers like that always start out with using people like me to cite examples. for instance

Preacher: All of you that fix you hair with marine spirits hair, use artificial nail,wear trousers and watch porn and use lipstick are all going to hell unless you repent!

Me: (under my breath) Ori yin ti daru sir! Since you know all the requirements for hell, you're definitely on your way there. You're probably leading the Nigerian group right after PDP!

    14. This group here fascinate me! They're the guys that collect the "owo shiaman!" or otherwise known as "owo orita" and are usually on Ikorodu road and strategic busy roads in Lagos. They run after the danfo buses and collect wazo which is 50 naira and shandi which is 20 Naira respectively! Then they give the conductors numbers in return like "Nomba elewun or Nomba faif. Being the inquisitive fellow that I am, I once inquired from a conductor that looked sane enough the meaning of the money this money these dudes collect. He said its for the chairman and Union. But his breath couldn't let me further the discussion.I still don't understand this concept anyways so if you do, pray tell! 

   15. One time I rode the bus with this Dude that saw evil spirits everywhere. He sat right next to me so imagine the look on my face when I hadn't even sat for Two minutes and the next thing i hear is "I bind you in the Name of Jesus, all ye agents of darkness!" I was like ah ah! Ewo tun leleyi? I had to get down at Obanikoro and took another bus.

When I spot Peugeot Road Truckers at Alagomeji, I heave a huge sigh of relief and thank God he gave me enough craziness for one day that I can handle. Anyways, generally, having to ride the bus has taught me tolerance and patience but Lord knows it's time to be in the comfort of my car! Anyways, here are a few of my danfo experiences. Let's hear yours.. and as for the Ajebos, just watch from the sides and eat ur ice cream jejely.. You just might learn something.